One beautiful fish seller, Elizabeth Aboreson has taken to Facebook to lecture all on how to steal meat from the Kitchen without being caught.
In a lengthy post, Elizabeth Aboreson aka Professor Emeritus Elizabeth wrote;
“PRACTICAL STEPS ON STEALING MUMMY’S MEAT
Lecturer: Professor Emeritus Elizabeth
NB: This lecture is strictly on how to steal meat. If you steal fish or ice cream or money or whatever, other than meat, based on lessons derived from this lecture. You are on your own!
As usual, we’d dig right into the details of this lecture. Shall we?☺️
FIX THE DOOR
For most homes, any slight sound made at night can wake everyone up. You don’t want anyone knowing you’re headed for the kitchen.
The doors in our rooms often snitch on us with that annoying sound coming from the hinges whenever you try opening the door. You’ll hear something like “teeeeeeeew or kriiikrikrikriii”😭
1. Get engine oil or power steering oil or any lubricating oil. It could be groundnut oil. Idiot, don’t use palm oil oo😒
2. Pour a little on the top and bottom hinges (that connector between the door and the wooden frame)
You’re good to go. That noise automatically stops. So you can slide in and out of your room unnoticed☺️
The trip from your room to the kitchen is a risky one. You might not make it back alive😬
1. Go barefooted. Don’t use slippers. It could drag you back and could get noisy.
2. If you stay with your brother/sister in the same room. Don’t tiptoe out of the room. Those witches might not be sleeping. If they see you tiptoeing, they’ll follow you behind.😒 Just walk normally out of the room, like you going to pee.🌝
3. Go to your parent’s room and place your ear on the door to check for movements. If they’re doing mummy and daddy, that’s better for you.😋
4. Study your house. You should know if there are rats or cockroaches. If a cockroach or rat climbs your leg. Be a man! Ignore it! You’re on a mission😑
After successfully getting into the kitchen unnoticed.
1. Be sure what mama cooked earlier. Is it stew, Egusi or ogbono. NEVER STEAL MEAT FROM OGBONO SOUP!👌
2. Get a kitchen towel and spread it out.
3. Study the position of the spoon on top of the pot if there is any and take a mental picture of it.
4. Open the pot with two hands. Do not open it with the handle on top. Open it from the sides while pressing your hand firmly and steadily.
5. Drop the pot cover on the towel. We’re avoiding sounds here🙂
6. Feel free to select any meat of your choice. It’s better to select from the area with a lot of meat clustered together.
7. Eat meat. Don’t take it out of the kitchen. Don’t leave that position. Don’t drop it anywhere. Eat it there. From pot to mouth.
8. Clean your mouth☺️
9. Shake the pot so everything can appear on normal level again😅
10. Replace the cover with your two hands Holding the sides and gently pushing it in.
11. Replace the spoon if there was any.
12. You can decide to run back to your room or catwalk. The deed has been done☺️
FOR THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH.
See you in hell, my people.
Feel free to ask questions in the comments. Further contributions would also be entertained.
I love you. Don’t be a vegetable😒. Eat meat!😋
Your weight is my concern. Thanks for reading.🙏